


What Paul's mind sees, when his eyes are blind

by Momos_weird_thoughts



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Culmets - Freeform, Domestic Relationship, First Dates, First Meetings, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Possible Character Death, Space Gays, USS Discovery (Star Trek), date, gays in space, mushroom boo, relationship, space boos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 18:46:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13487505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momos_weird_thoughts/pseuds/Momos_weird_thoughts
Summary: After what he presumed to be his last jump Paul collapses. His mind is trapped in the mycelium network and all he can grip on to, trying his hardest not to get lost is Hugh. Wandering through the forest, he finds their past and different versions of their future.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [undernightlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/undernightlight/gifts).



> This is basically a collection of culmets scenes, about their first meeting, their relationship, and their uncertain future.  
> (I wrote this in the midseason break, but since it's only what Paul sees, it fits with the canon plot)

 

**PAST**

 

 

**Starfleet Academy**

/ mushroom boy. 

He was late. Again. While debating with the rhetorics professor he had forgotten that he had wanted to ask the teacher for mechanical engineering a few questions about the handed out script. The last lesson had ended 15 minutes ago and he had to get to the right classroom on the other end of the pile. Not an easy task while balancing books in his hands and his bag threatening to slide of his shoulder.

Out of nothing someone ran straight into him, knocking all the books out of his hands and spreading the contents of his bag over the floor.

“Hey! Watch out!”, Paul snapped, without bothering to pick up his stuff yet.

“I’m sorry.”, the guy said and they started to collect everything.

“Why do you carry so many books without anyways?”, he asked light heartedly.

“There are things you only find in books.”, Paul explained pissed, stuffing everything back into his bag.

“Like?”, the guy asked, opening a book. “Oh!”, he grinned.

“Give that back!”, he snapped, ripping it out of his hands, about to leave.

“Wait! You’re the mushroom boy!”

That stopped Paul from walking away. “What?”

“The guy that studies physics and biology. That’s you!”, he smiled.

“Yes.”, he answered very slowly. Where was this conversation gonna go?

“I finally found you, mushroom boy!”, he laughed.

“Why do you know me? And more importantly why were you looking for me? And why do you call me mushroom boy?”, Paul asked confused and a little warily.

“The alien biology professor, what’s his name again? The old man?”

“Carter?”

“Right! He didn’t remember your name, he never remembers any names, right? So he always calls you ‘mushroom boy’. He told me about you, cause apparently I was asking the exact same questions as you were. I’m Straal.”, he smiled.

“Stamets.”, he replied, with his eyebrows lifted in surprise.

“So you’re interested in notional astromycology?”

“Practical. Practical astromycology.”, he replied.

“What are you thinking of there?”

“Right now?”, he asked. He wasn’t sure whether to answer the question.

“Yeah, right now.”

Worst case, he’d be laughed at. Maybe a more vague answer. Most people didn’t get what he meant anyways.

“A drive.”, he replied cockily.

“Oh! Now I get the mushroom thing! You’re basing teleportation it on the theory of a network? That’s genius! What makes you use biology though? I mean that’s definitely a way to do it but, why not use astrophysics?”

Paul laughed in surprise. “The answer depends on how much time you have and how quickly you understand.”, he grinned.

“I have all day.”

 

 

**Alpha Centauri**

/ good at people. 

Paul woke up with the worst headache in quite a while. He wasn’t the type to get actual headaches, only metaphorical ones, but this one was so bad, he didn’t even wanna open his eyes. When had been the last time it had been that bad? He thought back and back until he arrived at the party at the end of his time at starfleet academy.

He had to grin. Other people his age, starfleet officers or not, were getting drunk every few weekends, waking up with hangovers. He only got headaches from work.

Paul had been assigned to a team of scientists to figure out the technical details of some romulan technology some ship had found somewhere and it was driving him insane. Their supervisor kept asking what this thing even was and the answer kept being “We have no clue at all.”

Everything had kept repeating itself and finally he had become so frustrated the had decided to put an end to it. He had worked non stop to find out what this thing was. Or at least find out anything. And just when he had been close to wiring the thing to the computer, an adapter unit malfunctioned.

Apparently frustratedly shouting at the computer was considered as a sign of being overworked.

So there he was. Banned from the lab for two full days. And he wasn’t as sure as yesterday that it was a bad thing. With that headache he couldn’t have worked properly anyways.

He missed Straal, who could not only have solved this riddle easily but also was his best and only close friend and he was about two galaxies away, stationed on a different planet.

With a groan Paul got up and got ready to leave his room. On a spaceship he wouldn’t leave his room in his free time voluntarily, but here on a planet, things were a bit different. He didn’t know a lot of people, or at least not good enough to have to greet them, which gave him the feeling of being invisible in the mass of people.

Yes, Paul loved attention, but only if it was for his work and by other scientists. Socially he’d rather be completely invisible, thank you very much.

He made his way to one of his favourite places, without being acknowledged by anyone except the the operation systems of the public transport. Perfect.

In his favorite café he sat down in his favourite spot, the corner of a long cushioned bench, and ordered breakfast from his favourite waiter, who was one of the most bearable people on this boring planet.

Paul liked people but… actually he didn’t like them that much. Lately he often found himself preferring conversations with computers over “real ones". Luckily the cafe was almost empty and silent; after all it was a working day and most people were, well, at work.

The view suddenly strained Paul's full attention, when he realized he had never gotten to see it at that time of a working day.

The whole city was moving quickly, much quicker and more than on weekends. Paul stared at it fascinatedly. He tried to acknowledge every moving point at once; people, shuttles, cars, animals even trees moved by the wind. It all seemed to be connected in a way his mind could not figure out. Yet. Just like a huge perfectly designed mechanism that he couldn't possibly understand.

He groaned internally. Even without human interaction he had managed to be reminded of that thing! This romulan piece of crap was driving him insane!

His breakfast was served and frustratedly shoving the first bites of bacon and eggs into his face, he pacified his racing mind with the intend that he would think about this problem after breakfast. Right now the view of the city was way too interesting. He had realized that the pattern of the movement maybe came closer to an organism than a mechanism.

Paul pulled out a tablet to compare the concept of the city to his mushrooms and mechanics. It was so interesting, he didn’t even remember his intend to think about work, now that he had finished his breakfast.

He just kept comparing the movement to the animations on his tablet, making crosses on an imaginary list of traits of plants and computers.

Suddenly Paul was torn from his thoughts by a noise. It had probably been there for a while already, but now that he had noticed it,there was no way to un-notice it.

He looked up just enough to see a man, three seats away drinking a coffee and happily humming with closed eyes. Paul stared at him as if that would make him stop. It didn’t of course. So he looked down at his tablet again and cleared his throat.

The humming stopped. Paul felt the glare of the man but just pretended to work and not notice it. If he had some decency he’d notice someone needed to concentrate and… goddammit! He just continued!

Paul almost groaned out loud. This man wasn’t just humming, He was humming Kasseelean opera which was practically impossible and should be forbidden.

He tried to focus on his idea again. Maybe he could compare a cellular structure of a vulcan mushroom to…

No. This wasn’t working.

“Excuse me.”, he said annoyedly, but his voice couldn’t possibly express how annoyed he actually was. “Stifle it or sit somewhere else. You’re annoying the crap outta me.”

The man just smiled at him friendlily and got up. But instead of walking away, he walked towards Paul and sat down right next to him, causing him to knit his eyebrows in surprise.

“Why?”, he asked, and man, his voice was made of caramel. It was really a shame he hummed operas. “Are you working on something important?”

“Actually…”, Paul started. But then he realized that he wasn’t working on the romulan technology like he should be and weirdly found himself incapable of lying to the man next to him. “...no.” He admitted to his own surprise. “But I probably should be.”

“Why are you here then?”

“Got suspended.”

“Why?”, the man chuckled. “You don’t look like a rule breaker to me.”

“I tried to… Is this some kind of interrogation?”

“No, just small talk.”, he grinned.

“Who the hell are you?”

“Hugh Culber.”, he smiled holding out his hand.

“Ensign Paul Stamets.”, he replied shaking it.

“Ensign? Fancy pancy.”, he grinned. “But I bet you can’t top a doctorate at your age. I’m Doctor Hugh Culber, the medical kind of doctor cause you apparently care about ranks.”

“I’m not that young and I don’t care about ranks.”, Paul said. This was becoming a game of being annoying, and he was the best at that, whether he liked it or not.  “I don’t care about ranks. Degrees are way more interesting. Take me for an example: I’m only Ensign but I have 4 doctorates.”

“Four?”, Culber repeated, raising his eyebrows unimpressed. Then he laughed. “I don’t care about ranks or doctorates.”, he said in sudden honesty. “I care about people.”

Paul opened his mouth, but his ever so smart brain could figure out how to reply. Why was this man sitting next to him? Why would a man like that sit down next to him? He was a doctor, not a scientist, they didn’t know each other; he had no reason to sit here.

He took a long breath. “What the hell are you doing?”, he got out.

“I, uh… I just thought, you look like I might like you.”, he smiled.

“Oh.”, Paul stuttered. No one had been interested in him for ages. Only in his doctorates, which had been just perfect, this right now was a little overwhelming. It was equally surprising, annoying and terrifying. “Oh.”, he repeated. “I… am terrible at people.”, he admitted with a careful smile.

“Perfect, cause I am good ‘at people’"

 

/ conversations. 

“So for how long have you been stationed here?”, Hugh greeted him with smalltalk.

“I told you I am terrible at this!”, he sighed and the doctor laughed. “Just a few months. How about you?”

“Almost a year now.”

They arrived at one of the starfleet cafeterias and queued at the replicators.

“How come we’ve never met before?”, Paul asked.

“Are you sick often or get hurt a lot?”, the doctor joked.

“All the time. But it’s mostly nothing worth mentioning so I usually just try to ignore it.”

“But were in space! By all that we know we could catch literally anything out here.”, he groaned.

“It’s not _that_ dangerous. We’re in Alpha centauri, that’s very close to earth.”, Paul laughed, taking his food out of the replicator.

“Dear god, what the hell is that?”, Hugh asked, gesturing at Paul's food.

“I gave up on trying to pronounce it right.”, he shrugged sitting down at a table.

“That can’t be healthy…”, the doctor muttered, putting down his tray across the scientist.

“It’s very healthy actually. And it’s green, so it’s gotta be health, right?”, he joked.

“But it’s _bright_ green! _Neon_ even!”

“The greener, the healthier.”, Paul laughed, starting to eat.

He had never gotten to know someone as fast as Hugh. Usually when he met people, he talked to them once and practically never again. But Hugh had just kind of attached himself to him when they had met first two weeks ago. In a weird, kind of confusing but calm and definitely not a clingy way, he was just appearing or sending him messages. Paul liked that. A lot. He was extremely bad at establishing and maintaining relationships of any kind. Usually he didn’t bother, but he liked Hugh. In the beginning he had been kind of annoying, but it felt really nice knowing that someone like Hugh would make an effort to be with him.

“What are you actually working on?”, the doctor asked, starting to eat his old fashioned salad with chicken.

“We’re studying a piece of romulan technology.”, Paul started. “It’s very frustrating; we’re not getting anywhere. Two weeks ago I was so close to wiring it to the computer but it didn’t work, so I’m still trying.” He went on to excitedly explain his newest approach to the problem. After ten minutes he interrupted himself blushing. “Am I not boring to you?”

“I like listening to you.”, Hugh just said with a soft smile.

“I like talking to you.”, he replied startled.

“How about you talk about something I can follow. Like hobbies maybe?”

“Okay, uhm… my main hobby is the biotechnology, mushrooms, astromycology to be exact, I hope to make it my job but, I will have to be promoted to a Lieutenant before.”

“What about sports?”, Hugh asked. “But you look more like the book type to me.”

“Yes. I like old things; books and movies."

“Elegantly talked around the music.”, the doctor grinned. “But yes, old movies are hilarious, I love them. What are your favourites?”

“How about you do a bit of the talking now, so I get to listen for a while too?”

“It’s called a conversation, Paul.”


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul gets hurt and and the pain meds give him a little more confindence than he likes.
> 
> Chapters:  
> /hold still.  
> /did it work?  
> /next time?

 

**PAST**

 

 

**Alpha Centauri**

/ hold still.

“Doctor!”, someone shouted and Hugh jumped up. He’d had a relatively boring day so far, which was always good. Shouting was definitely bad.

A Lieutenant was supporting Paul’s weight, who was breathlessly cursing, only half conscious. The skin of both of his hands was molten off his flesh. Hugh’s heart dropped in a way it hadn’t done in a long time.

“Second degree burns! Get my some cooling packs and anodyne.”, he ordered loudly but calmly. He pushed Paul onto the next sick bed, and the scientist groaned in pain.

“What happened?”, he asked.

“I…”, Paul gasped.

“No talking, Ensign.”, Hugh ordered, injecting the anodyne into his neck and carefully putting the cooling packs around his fingers. “Lieutenant?”

“We were building relays into a system and they were probably not compatible. I don’t know what exactly happened, he was in a Jeffries tube.”

“Did it blow up?” he asked, inspecting the burns closer.

“I don’t know, it was our priority to get him out of there.”

“So it could have been electricity?” A nurse gave a tricorder to him and he immediately scanned the burned areas.

“Yeah, I don’t know.”

“Okay, thanks.”, Huge said. “You can go back to work, he’s gonna be fine.” He turned back to Paul, who was drowsy from the medication and the pain. “Stamets. Look at me. Here.” He snapped his fingers. “Look at my finger. Follow it.”

His half closed eyes took long to focus but except for that everything seemed fine. “Recognize me? Who am I?”

Paul blinked at the ceiling.

“Hey. Here.” He cupped his cheek to turn his head the right way.

He blinked again and then smiled. “Hugh. Hey.”

“Good. Remember what happened?” He let go of him, trying to be completely professional.

“I was in the Jeffries tube and…”, he muttered and knitted his eyebrows. “I don’t…”

“Okay, it’s fine, don’t worry.” He scanned his brain with the tricorder. Or at least he tried to.

Paul moved his head to look around. “What… where..?”

“Don’t move.”

But he moved anyways to look down at his hands. “Holy shit, my hands are burnt.”, he muttered with a weak smile.

“Are you still in pain?”

“Oh yeah.”, he laughed.

“Do you need..?”

“No! Nonono.”

“Okay.”, Hugh said slowly. “And why?”

“Look at my file. Ugh hell, I gotta get back to work asap. Uhm… My body… brain is reacting kinda weird to... thingys in... pain meds...”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Really? How? We’ve known each other for like... not that long...”

“You seem pretty intoxicated. Also if you could think properly, you wouldn’t call anything  _ thingys  _ or use phrases like  _ asap _ .”, Hugh explained. A nurse handed him a PADD with Paul’s medical history and he quickly looked over the allergies part.

“Is there anything you are not allergic to?”, he asked cocking a brow.

“Mushrooms.”, Paul grinned weakly but proudly.

“I’m not gonna give you more pain meds, unless you ask for them. But we’ll have to wait a few more minutes to heal it. The skin is too aggressive now, it would leave scars.”

“Okay.”, he said compliantly.

Hugh felt terrible for having to leave Paul in pain. More terrible than he usually felt for his patients.

“I’m gonna be back in a few minutes, okay?”

“Sure.”, he muttered.

“Don’t move.”

“I won’t.”

Hugh returned with a brain scanner and a skin repairing device.

“What are you doing?”, Paul groaned, trying to look around.

“What did we say about moving?”, he asked, sticking the second electrode to the scientist’s other temple. “Hold still now.”, he ordered with a threatening undertone and Paul held still. “I’m scanning your brain again for injuries by electricity. Just to be sure. Maybe not all or your gibble gabble is the allergic reaction.”

“M’kay.”

Hugh closely watched the data on his screen and luckily everything was fine with Paul’s smart brain. “You’re gonna be fine, we just gotta take care of your hands. You gotta sit up, okay? Aand up.” He pulled him up and pushed him back against the wall. After all he couldn’t use his hands and his abs were probably not very useful in his half conscious, sedated state.

“I’m glad my hands feel only half as painful as they look.”, he smiled.

Hugh carefully took Paul’s right wrist and turned his hand around while running the device over it. The scientist winced and groaned but did his best to hold still. Luckily his left hand was less burnt and less painful. 

The new skin had an angry shade of red, but that would heal soon by itself.

“Can I lie down again?”, Paul asked. “I’m kinda getting really…” he swallowed, looking confused. “... drowsy…” He had the eyes of a sad little puppy in the rain. Again Hugh’s heart did something it was not supposed to do while treating a patient.

“Of course, I… No using your hands yet!”, he ordered, when Paul was about to do just that. “Elbows, okay?”

Again with his help Paul managed to lie down. “I’m gonna give you some soporifics. You’re not allergic to those so your brain will be as good as new in a few hours.”, he said, preparing an injector. “We’ll see about your hands then.”

“Hey, doctor.”, Paul smiled up at him, the almost invisible eyebrows raised high.

“Yes, Ensign?”

“Would you go out with me?”

Hugh froze surprised, but only for a second. Then he just chuckled. “Ask me again when you’re not high and we’ll see.”

 

 

/ did it work?

With a groan Paul woke up and Hugh rushed to his side.

“Do you remember what happened?”

“Yes.”, he said quickly. “Did it work?”

“What?”

“The relay I built in! Could they get to work and does is connect to the romulan technologie?”

“It fried your hands.”, he replied.

“But did it work?”

“I don’t know, but…”

“Can I just…”

“No.” He pushed him back down onto the bed.

”But…”

“No!”, he insisted. “If you try to sit up again, I’ll tie you down, okay?”

With an offended stare Paul stopped resisting.

“Good. We’re gonna look at your…”

“Can you just  _ please _ give me my communicator?”, the scientist begged. Not knowing about his work seemed to actually upset him. Also he had bright blue puppy eyes and again his eyebrows were raised high.

“Fine.”, Hugh sighed. “But then you’ll do what I say

“Yes, doctor.”, he said, kind of like a child that wasn’t actually listening.

When Hugh took out the communicator Paul reached out for it but the doctor pulled it away.

“Hey!”

“I haven’t had a look at your hands yet. Also I fear I will never get it this thing away from you again.”, he explained and flipped the communicator open.

“Heather, it’s me.”, Paul said instantly.

“Stamets! Are you okay?”, a woman replied.

“I’m fine, did it work?”

“The hardware works perfectly, we’re working on the software.”

“Yes! It worked!”, he shouted excitedly and before he could say anything else, Hugh closed the communicator.

“Did you hear it? It works!”, the scientist grinned proudly.

“At what cost.”, the doctor muttered almost unintelligible, shaking his head. He scanned Paul’s still reddish hands.

“It’s just burnt hands.”, he shrugged.

“You’re saying that as if it was a scratch.”, he frowned and didn’t leave him time to disagree. “Sit up  _ carefully _ .”

Paul did as ordered, biting his cheek offendedly to keep himself from talking. At least he was trying to keep his part of the deal.

“Hold up your hands and carefully close and open them.”, Hugh said and scanned the motion with his tricorder. “How come I’m not being informed in anyway about those allergies?”

“The reaction to medication isn’t that strong. So if I’m not in the state to tell a doctor about it, I’d rather have the painkillers.”

“Fair enough.”

“If you’d given me more of them, I’d have been quite groggy for a few days. I can go back to work now, right?”

“Yes.”, Hugh sighed. “But I'll prescribe you a cream to strengthen the new skin and you’re gonna use it for a week. You can come pick that up after your shift. Oh, and that comes with as little straining as possible and no getting burned again.”

“Yes.”, Paul nodded. 

“Then you’re good to go.”, Hugh smiled. 

“Thank you, doctor.”, the scientist replied. He got up ready to leave, but then stopped. Knitting his brows, he opened his mouth to say something, but then just shook his head and left.

With a long sight Hugh fell into his chair and got to the paper work. What kind of guy did he pick up this time? He’d just had to sit down next to the somewhat tiny looking, blonde guy, who looked just hilariously sweet, looking from the view to his tablet and back to the view. He had been so concentrated, he wasn’t looking at his food at all and his fork missed the remaining pieces of egg and bacon. Hugh had just had to get to know him. He often saw people he found to be interesting and started talking to them, that’s just how he made friends.

But he had instantly felt strong about the cranky ensign with four doctorates who had smiled for the first time when he admitted an uncomfortable fact about himself to Hugh, a complete stranger. It was a warning, like a “I’m complicated and you might not like me”, but also like a “I’m complicated but as long as you could somehow adapt to that, I’d let you get to know me.” 

Hugh hoped he wouldn’t scare him away, chasing after him like that. He really regretted not having accepted the invitation.

 

 

/ next time.

Paul fell onto his bed. Two hours after shift end they had finally finished the software to access the piece of technology and now had to wait till the next day until the computer had fully installed it, together with a translation program.

He had stayed in longer cause he didn’t want to think about anything but work. Today had been a good day despite the burnt hands. But Paul didn’t feel good.

It had been ages since he had felt bad because things with people didn’t work. At some point he had just kind of accepted that he wasn’t good at that. There had always been people like Straal, who had put his brilliant mind over his weirdness and had somehow become his friend through that. It was easier to have friends he shared interests and similarities with and those friends had been fine. Until now.

Now his drunken brain had signaled him that it was a good idea to ask Hugh out. Why?  _ Why _ ? How in hell could he have thought that was a good idea?

Paul had always prided himself with being different. He loved it. He really did, but his depression and anxiety didn’t really care about that. They made him feel terrible about the things he was most proud of.

He liked Hugh. A lot. And this time, just this time, it was important to him to be liked back.

Someone rang his door.

With a groan, the scientist got up. “Come in.”

“Hey there.”, Hugh smiled and Paul’s heart dropped. “You forgot to get this, so I thought I’d just drop by on my way home.”, he continued, holding up the healing cream.

“Oh. Thanks.”, Paul replied. “I’d have picked it up tomorrow.” He wouldn’t have done that. He would have avoided Hugh for at least a week.

“No, you wouldn’t have done that.”, Hugh chuckled. “I know patients like you. You don’t use the prescribed meds unless they are thrown at your face.”

He threw the tube for Paul to catch it, but of course he was too clumsy.

“That literally?”, he asked sorely, picking it up.

“Sorry. That was uncalled for.”, Hugh said sincerely.

“No, it’s fine, I’m just…” What even was he? Angry on himself? Scared? Hurt?

“You are particularly cranky.”

“Yes. Yes, I am. I’m sorry, it’s just…”

“Calm down, I’m just kidding.”, Hugh said. “What’s bugging you? Didn’t the relay work?”

“No, it did.”, Paul sighed, staring at the tube in his hands. “I…” He put it down on the table behind him to get more time to think about what to say, cause right now he had no clue.

“Hey.”, the doctor said gently. He left his place right at the door and came closer. “What’s wrong?”

Paul pinched the bridge of his nose, hating himself and trying to hide his face. “What did I say right before you sedated me?”, he asked, clinging to the tiny chance that it had just been a dream.

“You asked me out.”, Hugh smiled, but the scientist was staring at his shoes and couldn’t see it.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, it was inappropriate, I didn’t mean to…”, he sputtered.

“So what about my answer?”

Hugh had answered? Could this possibly get worse? “I don’t remember it.”, Paul admitted, looking up with a hurt smile.

“Oh. Oh! Dammit! I’m so sorry.” Now it was Hugh to sputter. He even lifted his hand to touch Paul’s shoulder but then changed his mind and let it fall down again.

“What did you say?”, Paul asked confused.

“Ask me again when you’re sober and we’ll see.”, the doctor repeated. “After working hours that’s ‘Yes, of course!’”

Paul pulled him into a hug. He had never been a hugging person, but he was just so relieved.

Hugh already laughed over the whole situation. “Next time you ask me out, do it sober and not as my patient.”

“Next time I ask you out, answer and don’t sedate me.”, Paul replied. “But maybe we should talk about this after having gone out, you have no clue what you’re getting yourself into.”

“Now I know you’re a great hugger.”, Hugh smiled, when they separated.

“Not a very experienced one.”, Paul laughed.

“We can change that.”


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapters:  
> /genius brain led by...? - A movie date goes very right.  
> /weird. - Paul has things to deal with.  
> /our choices. - Paul tries his best to be a good boyfriend and Hugh reassures him he already is.  
> /to start of with. - They have a talk about their sex life, both of them are adorable.  
> /dinner. - finally a free evening together.  
> /cold and warmth. - Hugh realizes, he'll never not be surprised by his partner's amazingness.

 

**PAST**

 

 

**Alpha Centauri**

 

/ genius brain led by…? 

“Old movies are the best! I love ‘Inside Out’! Wasn’t that the best?”, Hugh laughed as they left the cinema.

“It was very cute.”, Paul smiled.

“I like the idea of having tiny emotion people in me.”

“But in reality most people aren’t led by joy. That’s kinda mean.” Why was he talking like that? Earth to Stamets: You’re on a date! And it’s going good for once! Stop being like that!

“You only say that because you basically are Disgust.”, Hugh smirked.

“What? No!”, Paul objected.

“We should play the game ‘Is it Paul or Disgust?’”, he grinned. Then he crossed his arms, raised his eyebrows and pouted his lips a bit, to imitate either Disgust or his date. “‘That’s it. I’m done with this.’”, he quoted.

Paul dropped his jaw, trying to act overly scandalized but he failed at hiding his smile.

“‘Of course your tiny brain is confused. Sorry I don’t speak moron as well as you.’”, Hugh went on.

“Hey!”, the scientist laughed a bit resentful and half heartedly punched his date’s arm.

“I’m kidding, Paul.”, the doctor smiled and put an arm around his shoulders, making Paul’s heart race.

Just down the hallway they reached Hugh’s quarters. Sparing them the awkward conversation he just assumed Paul would still stay for a while, and of course he followed his date into the small apartment.

“Hugh?” He took his courage in both hands and stood close to him, right face to face. “I…” God, those eyes were so intense. Full of feelings and happiness, but so calm. Paul suddenly felt terrible at talking. He had no clue what to say. But there were other ways to show what he felt. He quickly reached up to Hugh’s neck and pulled him into a kiss. And the doctor mirrored his motion, his position and kissed back.

It’s been ages since Paul had been kissed. The last time it had been by Straal who had been overly excited about one of their discoveries about mushrooms. But that didn’t count, right?

“Don’t you ever stop thinking?”, Hugh muttered with a smile. “Can I have your genius brain just for me, just for a few minutes?”

“Easily.”, Paul whispered. He cupped his cheek and pulled him close again.

Everything about Hugh was just so soft and warm, Paul wanted to never let go of him again.

 

/ weird.

Paul nervously walked into Hugh’s office.

“Hey. I thought you had to work.”, the doctor smiled, getting up to close the door.

“Yeah, I told you I had to work but… it’s not true. I didn’t wanna lie to you!”, he quickly said. He really didn’t want to lie to Hugh. He loved him way too much and honesty always worked best, but this… Paul just hadn’t been able to tell him about it.

Hugh just looked at him with slightly raised eyebrows, leaning back against his desk.

“I’m not working. I’m… seeing my therapist.”, he swallowed.

Hugh just kept staring at him.

Paul could really have needed his therapist right now. Why did he have to be so weird? Why couldn’t he be like every other average person? Why did he have to be that bad at...everything but fucking mushrooms? Why couldn’t his hair be brown or black or everything except fucking ginger-white? Why couldn’t he just fucking handle himself without a therapist? If he couldn’t deal with himself, how was Hugh supposed to?

“Wait. That’s it?”, the doctor realized. “Paul.”, he smiled softly, cupping his cheek. “That’s really no reason to be upset. _I_ ’m seeing a therapist. A lot of people do.”

“You’re a doctor, that doesn’t count. I need them because of... anxiety and depression… amongst other… things….”, the scientist muttered quietly staring at his hands.

Hugh took them. “It’s fine.", he said. “As long as _you_ ’re fine, it’s fine, okay?”

“I’m just so… weird.”, he said looking up. It really hurt.

“I like you just the way you are, okay?”, the doctor said, placing a gentle kiss right on his lips.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything before.”

Paul took a deep breath, straightening himself. “Thanks. I should probably go.”, he said knitting his brows.

“Sure. It’s really fine, Paul.”, he repeated once again and then smiled. “Trust me. I’m a doctor.”

That got a little chuckle out of the scientist. “I’m gonna go, tell my therapist that I’ve been lying to them about lying to you.”, he smiled carefully and Hugh laughed.

 

 

/ our choices. 

“Hello there.” Hugh had just walked in.

“I told you I was working on the theory of these particles.”, Paul muttered knitting his brows.

“You’re gonna ruin your spine sitting like that.”, the doctor just said and the scientist sat put more straight intuitively.

“Well, it’s _my_ spine.”, he replied.

“But it’s _me_ who’s going to have to treat it eventually.”, Hugh sighed, letting himself fall onto the couch. “Take your PADD over here and sit down with me. I got you coffee.”

That’s what made him get and sit down on the couch. Of course he could have made it himself, but he had been too concentrated for that and also it was very cute of Hugh.

He happily took a sip. “I still have to work.”, he said with an excusing smile.

“That’s fine. I just wanna spend a bit of time with you.”, Hugh replied, wrapping an arm around him.

“It bothers you, doesn’t it?”

“What?”

“That I work that much. You want me to spend more time with you.”, Paul said.

“I want to spend more time with you.”, Hugh corrected him.

“That’s the same.”

“No, it’s not. I’m gonna get the time I want to spend with you, trust me.”, he grinned.

“It’s not funny, Hugh.”, the scientist muttered.

“Paul. I know you like your mushrooms. I don’t mind.”, the doctor smiled softly, cupping his cheek for a second.

“But… I don’t...” He didn’t know how to explain. “I spend more time with my work than with you but… that doesn’t mean… that I like it more than I like you. It’s just… I’ve been doing this all my life and…”

“It’s fine, Paul. It’s not like you have to chose. You can like your work _and_ me.”

“But _you_ have to chose. Between every man in the universe and me. And I know I can’t hold that competition, cause everyone before left me because of my work.” He stared at the PADD in his hands and wanted nothing more than to slam it again the wall. It was only a matter of time till Hugh would find him too complicated, with his weird mind and his stupid mushrooms.

“I won’t.”, the doctor just said.

“How would you know?”, he asked, knitting his brows.

“Cause that’s a ridiculous reason to leave someone. Would you leave me cause I’m a doctor?”

Of course he wouldn’t.

“See? Just trust me a little, Paul. Just so much you don’t have to stress yourself about us all the time. If something actually bothers me I’m gonna tell you. I wouldn’t lie to you. You’re not gonna get rid of me that easily.”, he smiled and pecked Paul’s cheek. “Now that you know that, you can go back to working, mushroom boo.”

“‘Mushroom boo’?”, he repeated chuckling.

“Yeah, you’re my mushroom boo.”, Hugh grinned.

Happily Paul curled up to the doctor’s side and continued working. Hugh had an arm wrapped around around him, chin resting in his hair, reading a book. Everything was calm and quiet and happy. Could this evening become more perfect? Paul figured it could.

“Hey, doctor.”, he said.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, mushroom boo.”

 

/ to start of with.

“Oh. Shirtless today?”, Paul asked, stopping in the doorframe connecting  bathroom and bedroom. He still couldn’t help himself but blush every time he saw Hugh’s body. The even skin over his defined muscles was just too beautiful.

“Yeah.”, his boyfriend just grinned. He just sat there, leaning against the back of the bed, legs flat on the mattress.

“What’s the occasion?”, Paul joked.

“An idea.”, he replied teasing.

“The same idea you’re giving me right now?”

“Probably.”, he said with a bright smile.

Paul crawled onto the bed. He swung one leg over Hugh’s knees before scooting up and sitting down on his lap, knees spread to either side of his hips. He felt his smirk turning into a soft smile, just as Hugh’s.

Paul let his fingers run along the lines of his boyfriend’s abs. He had always wanted to do that, but there had never been the right moment. It felt so much better than he could ever have imagined, and he had imagined it a lot. It made him calm and let his mind wander off.

“So many thoughts and questions in your brilliant mind.”, the doctor smiled.

“Yes.”, he replied blushing, watching his own fingers move.

“Go ahead. Tell me, I want to know.”

“Now?”, Paul chuckled.

“I got all night.”, his boyfriend smiled. “What’s the first thing coming to your mind?”

“Why now? Why not in a month or two weeks ago?”, he asked.

“Cause I felt like it today.”

“That simple?”

“The main intention was… we both know this is not about sex.” Hugh let his hands rest on Paul’s calves stroking them with his thumbs. “We don’t need it. We’ve been together without it and it works perfectly. But I like sex. And I know you like it. So why spare it?”

Paul smiled at his fingers, wandering up and down Hugh’s happy trail. “I don’t always like sex. But I can imagine enjoying it with you.”

“I thought something like that.”, Hugh said softly. “You know… I have to admit that this is a tiny bit planned. I just thought… Stumbling to bed while making out, or even staying on the couch… nothing against that kind of thing, hell no, but… I felt like with you... something extremely cheesy would be nicer to start of with.”

Paul laughed quietly. “You are hilariously romantic.”

“I know.”, Hugh grinned. He slowly ran his hands up Paul’s thighs until they came to a stop on his hips. “So?”, he smiled pulling him closer.

“So what?”, Paul teased him with a smirk.

His boyfriend just smiled even brighter and tugged his hips a bit harder and Paul bent down to kiss him.

 

/ dinner. 

“Oh. Music. Great.”, Paul laughed, when he entered Hugh’s apartment.

“Yes!”, he smiled happily. “Can you dance?” He put his hands on Paul’s hips and started swaying.

“Theoretically I’m a great dancer. Practically I’m a bummer who has fun tripping over other people’s feet.”

“Come here.” Hugh pulled him into a dancing position.

“Oh.”, his boyfriend laughed and put his hand on his shoulder. “It’s hard to do this backwards.”, he realized when they started dancing.

“Never danced with a guy?”

“All my former boyfriends were lumps.” He stumbled. “Hell…”

“Treat it like science.”, the doctor grinned.

“You don’t have to use science to make this fun for me.”, he said, a bit hurt. “I wouldn’t dance with you if I didn’t enjoy it.”

Hugh kissed just him to say sorry.

“What’s making you so happy today?”

“Your free evening of course.”, he grinned. Then he let go of the scientists hip but not his hand and pulled him into the kitchen. “Being the great boyfriend I am, I even have wine.”, he continued taking a bottle out of the fridge.

Paul still couldn’t believe, he was the reason for the doctor to be such a bundle of joy. “So what are we up to tonight?”, he asked wrapping his arms around him from behind.

“Dinner.”, Hugh smiled, leaning back against him.

“What are we having?”

“Pizza.”

Pizza should be the representative dish of earth. Especially this Pizza, it was amazing!

“I don’t remember liking pizza that much.”, Paul admitted shoving the last piece into his mouth.

“We should have it more often then.”

“Shouldn’t you be saying something about eating healthy, doctor?”, he said with a full mouth.

“No, pizza is fine. You got dough, that’s basically bread, various vegetables and some meat and dairies. Over all not a bad meal. I’m content with telling you to do sports.”, Hugh laughed.

“You’ll probably never get me to do that.”

“I will.”, he grinned.

The com went on.

“Emergency. Doctor Culber to sick bay please.”

Both of them groaned. Hugh jumped up and quickly got into his uniform while Paul watched him frustratedly. He only got up when the doctor zipped his jacket.

“No, it’s fine, please stay.”, Hugh said quickly.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can. Love you.”, he pecked him and before Paul could reply he was gone.

He sighed, staring at the empty seat across him. This evening was supposed to be for Hugh. Instead both of them were gonna work. Except that Paul found it particularly hard to concentrate, after all he had just gotten a glimpse of Hugh’s glorious body.

 

/ cold and warmth. 

With a yawn the doctor entered his apartment. It was late at night, so Paul had probably left already. Hugh really didn’t wanna be alone. He always felt weirdly lonely after long shifts and hard work. Right now he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep to the sound of his boyfriend’s breath. Even though Paul had an extremely fitful sleep, Hugh had never slept better than next to him. Okay, maybe not better, but… more unburdened. Too bad he… oh. There was a science uniform lying neatly folded on a chair, shoes standing right next to it. And the bedroom light was off. Paul had stayed. Hugh instantly felt a bit more in love, if that was even possible.

Even though they had been together for quite a while now, things like Paul just going to sleep in Hugh’s bed weren’t usual. When Hugh was around, Paul was vivid and shameless, making silly jokes and kissing him, but as soon as Hugh left, his partner became more of a loner again. Then he felt out of place in this apartment that wasn’t his and rather returned to his own flat, where he felt more at home. Then he got over that just to spend the night with Hugh, was a love confession of it’s own.

The doctor quickly showered, scrubbing off the sharp smell of sanitizer, put on sweatpants and climbed into bed. He slipped under the sheets and spooned his boyfriend, softly wrapping both arms around him. Hugh had to smile. Paul had not nicked sweats and instead stuck with his underpants, but he had also kept on his t-shirt. He was always cold and only slept without pants, when he relied on his boyfriend to warm him.

Drowsily the scientist turned around to wrap his arms around Hugh too. He buried his face in the doctor’s shoulder and slipped his freezing toes between his warm calves.

Hugh happily smiled into the darkness.

“Paul?”, he whispered.

“Hm?”

He could feel the vibration of the hum in his chest.

“I’ve been thinking and… It’s been a while so I thought… Would you wanna move together?”

“Yeah. You smell of sanitizer.”, he murmured.

“Sorry.”, Hugh smiled into his hair.

“‘s fine. Love you.”, Paul replied. He placed a kiss on his collarbone and adjusted his position.

“I love you too. Sleep tight.”, the doctor whispered.


	4. Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapters:  
> /fixing Stamets. - Lorca has a request  
> /technically not a lie. - Paul does the very stupid thing we all know about  
> /don't move. - Hugh is of course worried

 

**PAST**

 

**USS Discovery**

 

/ fixing Stamets. 

The door to the captain’s office opened and Hugh entered.

“Thank you for coming, doctor. Please have a seat.” He gestured at the chair and sat down across him.

“How may I help you, sir?”, he asked.

“I asked you a question today.”

“I… must have overheard that.”, he said slowly.

“Then I’ll repeat myself.”, he sighed straightening his uniform. “Can you fix Lt. Stamets’ inability to get the ship where it’s supposed to go?”

“I-I’m sorry.”, he laughed confused. “Are you being serious?”

“Yes.”

The doctor stared at him in disbelief. It took him a few seconds to realize that this wasn’t some cruel joke but the captain was actually serious.

“Does that mean you’re at your wit’s end? You don’t know how to manipulate him anymore so you’re asking _me_ to do it for you?”

“Precisely.”

If it wouldn’t have been his captain saying that Hugh would have laughed. It was so incredibly insulting, it was funny already.

“You’re expecting me to manipulate my partner for your war purposes?”, he clarified the question.

“All is fair in love and war.”, Lorca shrugged.

“May I speak freely, sir?”, he asked. He did not yet know what he would say, but he knew it would certainly be inappropriate.

“Please.”

“Relationships are built on honesty and trust. I cannot and will not manipulate Lieutenant Stamets for any purpose. As you might have noticed not even for the sake of his own safety.”

“Not even for the life of thousands of people?”

“It’s not on Lieutenant Stamets to save those people.”, Hugh stated. “He’s doing his best, but he can’t do more than that.”

“That’s not on you to decide.”

“No. But neither it is on you to do so. Only Lieutenant Stamets can do that.”

“He will.”

“Don’t tell me, you know him better than I do.”, he said toneless, almost a bit threatening.

“I won’t. I don’t have to. Lieutenant Stamets is gonna chose anyways.”

“Between me and you?”, he asked, cocking a brow.

“Between you and his work.”

Hugh had held himself back. He had tried to solve this with honesty and then with salty witt but it hadn’t worked. Now he was pretty heated.

“This choice has never been and will never be made. Don’t you dare tempering our relationship. I’ve watched you manipulating Paul since the beginning of our mission. I told him about it, but he would neither see nor acknowledge. Everyone, including himself, thinks you simply bully him, because you bully everyone who doesn’t follow your orders without thinking. Paul worked night and day, because you pushed him to do so. It’s you who made him risk his life that recklessly, not for his science but for your purposes.You pushed him to the edge of what he could do and over the edge of what was healthy. I will not let any of that happen anymore, hold yourself back, captain.”

“You should hold yourself back, doctor, I could get you transferred.”, he hissed.

“Don’t throw bricks when you live in a glass house.”, Hugh snapped. “A few pages of report about my observations concerning your mental health are enough to send you flying. Hold yourself back, captain!”

 

 

/ technically not a lie. 

Angrily Paul dropped the PADD into the console and pinched the bridge of his nose. There was no way he would revive the Tardigrade. He didn’t know how to without Hugh’s help. This needed actual medicine, biology just wasn’t enough. Besides that Hugh was right, it was wrong. Paul would have done it to save the ship, but he was more likely to find another way to make the drive work, at least temporarily. If he couldn’t make the drive work they would die.

“I-I have some data, I don’t know if it’ll help you, b-but…”, Tilly stuttered, bashfully holding out a PADD. He ripped it out of her hand and she jerked a little.

“Thank you, cadet.”, he said apologetically. He had to control his anger. She was the only person in this room, who had actual potential to be helpful.

All those screaming people and crying children would die if he didn’t find a way to make this work within the next ten minutes.

He had to find a lifeform on this ship that had the slightest chance of being able to adapt to the tardigrade DNA. A tribble or a cat, just… something! He started running tests. Eventually the right DNA showed up in front of him. He stared at it for a second, quickly considering his possibilities.

“Out.”, he ordered. The team froze. “Everyone out!”, he shouted.

Muttering they moved. It wasn’t the first time he kicked them out, to have an empty room to think.

“Go!”, he urged them.

Tilly was staring at him. Poor, sweet, smart Tilly. She had recognized the DNA. And she knew him a bit too well for his liking. She was considering to say something.

“Leave!”, he told her.

Paul stared at her angrily but his facade broke under her worried look. He silently begged her not to say anything and watched her leave.

“Computer, lock the door.”, he ordered. He rubbed his head with both hands trying to concentrate.

Of course it couldn’t be a cat or a tribble, no, of course it had to be human DNA that had similarities with the tardigrade.

“Goddamit!”, he groaned.

Angrily he ripped the first aid kit off the wall and emptied it on the floor to find the injector. He quickly filled it with the DNA sample. Just when he had loaded the system with a new container of spores, Saru’s voice interrupted him.

“Lieutenant Stamets, have you revived the Tardigrade?”

Paul hit the right buttons on the console and entered the glass container. He just now realized that four sharp metal pieces would bore into his chest. The tardigrade had had good reasons to shut down.

“We are ready to jump, sir.” The damn hesitation in his voice.

Phrasing was everything. If he didn’t die, he’d be under investigation or locked up for illegal gene experiments, but at least he technically hadn’t lied to a superior officer.

Statistically the best chance for this to work was if he could inject himself right before the jump, so his body didn’t have the time to divest the DNA before they had jumped..

He watched the drive powering up and pushed the liquid into his arm the very last second he could.

It felt weird. Paul was suddenly way more sensitive to everything. The smallest sounds were bursting his eardrums, time seemed to pass slower, he consciously felt every inch of fabric touching his body and the metal in his chest was so painful he screamed from the top of his lungs. It felt like a fight, like something trying to take him over, causing pain and fear so strong it was almost unbearable. But suddenly everything changed. The force that had been fighting Paul suddenly belonged to him. Instead of drowning, he swam.

The whole universe was there for him to experience.

 

 

/ don’t move. 

With a gasp Paul awoke. I took him a second to recognize the people staring down at him.

“Did we make it?”, he asked.

“Yes.”

He burst into laughter. Could he possibly react any different? He had just seen the wonders of the universe. He hadn’t died. He had actually saved everyone. This was amazing! All of this was amazing!

“Try not to move, Lieutenant.”

Why did he sound so worried? Everything was fine! Great even!

“Stamet! Don’t move!”, Tilly ordered.

Wow, she could be actually scary. She was finally getting more confident. Awesome! He reduced his movement to giggling.

“Emergency transport to sickbay.”

Beaming felt funny. After all they dissolved into their smallest part.

“Doctor Culber!”

“Dear god.” Hugh’s heart dropped. “What did he do?”

“H-he injected himself with the tardigrade DNA a-and took it’s place.”, she stuttered. “Is he gonna be okay?”

“I hope so.”, he replied, trying to control his emotions. He prayed Paul wasn’t dying. Quickly the doctor opened his jacket. The shirt underneath it was soaked in blood.

“Culber! Away.”, sharp voice ordered.

“Nat, please! Let me just…”

“No next of kin. Out.”, she repeated.

“I can help him. Please!”

“As first medical assistant I release you of duty because you’re emotionally compromised. Out!”

“Let’s go.”, Tilly said gently taking his arm and pulling him out of sick bay.

“Dear god, what does he think he’s doing?”, Hugh groaned.

“Don’t worry, I think...I-I’m sure he’s gonna be okay.”, Tilly said patting his shoulder.


	5. Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapters:  
> /cold. - What might have happened if Paul had told Hugh about the side effects as soon as he noticed them.

 

**FUTURE**

 

 

**Starfleet’s best medical laboratory**

 

/ cold.

“Don’t you have enough of my blood by now?”, Paul groaned. “This is like the sixth time this week.”

“The fifth. We need to check on you regularly. Hold still.”, Hugh ordered.

“I’m more likely to die from blood loss than the spores.”, he muttered offended.

“I hope you’ve realized that injecting those spores was the most stupid thing you’ve ever done.”, the doctor snapped.

“It worked though.”

“That’s not an excuse!”

Paul raised his the brows high over his puppy eyes.

“Sorry.”, Hugh sighed. “I’m overworked. And you’re not exactly helping.” He put the blood into a scanner on the table beside the bed. Paul got up and wrapped his arms around him from behind.

“Paul.”, he groaned. “Not at work.”

“Love you.”, the scientist just said, pecking his cheek before letting go of him.

Hugh remained silent and checked the data concerning the blood.

“How have you been feeling lately?”, he then asked knitting his brows.

“Like a laboratory rat.”, he replied dryly. Since Tilly had talked him into telling Hugh about the side effects and they had left the Discovery he had spent all of his days in labs, being analyzed.

“No honestly.”

“I’ve been… weird. But I can’t put a finger on it.”

“That’s exactly what I’d say about your blood.”, he sighed. “I’m gonna ask the others.”

He returned with terrible news.

“A sample from my medulla?”, Paul repeated. “You want to drill a hole into my spinal cord?”

“Just poke a tiny one, you’ll even be awake for that.”, the doctor said. “Just be glad it’s my shift.”

Paul groaned. “Is that really necessary?”

Hugh gave him a look that clearly said “Would I do it if it wasn’t?”

He groaned again.

“Come on, take off your shirt and get it over with.”, he ordered.

The scientist reluctantly obeyed and lied down on his stomach.

“Please tell me it isn’t as painful as it sounds.”, he sighed.

“Well you can’t really anesthetize the spinal cord, but it’s just a very small needle. "

“Then I’m gonna need you to let me hold you hand.”

Hugh thought about it for a second but he couldn’t say no to his partner's sweet but somehow daring smile, so he took his hand.

“Since when are your hands that warm? Aren’t you cold without a shirt?”

“Actually no. I haven’t been cold in quite a while.”, he realized.

“We’re gonna have a look at that afterwards. Ready?”, he asked when the nurse had prepared everything.

“No. Just do it.”, Paul sighed closing his eyes. Then he groaned in pain.

“Are you trying to break my fingers?”

“I hate you.”, he hissed.

“You love me.,”, the doctor laughed.

“Ah! Hugh, I…”

“Stop whining, love. He’s done in just a second.”

“No! Something’s wrong!”, he said loudly, panicking. “I don’t…”

Paul screamed.

The light bulbs burst and the last thing Hugh could see was the nurse being ripped away from their patient by an invisible force.

“Paul!”

He intuitively felt for the emergency button and the auxiliary light went on. The doctor fought the urge to look after Paul and turned to the nurse first.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. The fuck just happened?!”

He helped him up and rushed back to the bed.

“Paul!”

The scientist laid there lifelessly.

“Dammit! Paul! Wake up! Help me!”, he called for the nurse, who was following the protocol calling in the other doctors and some scientists. He quickly helped Hugh to turn Paul on his back.

The nurse gave the screen a smack and it went back on showing low life signs.

“Give me some B42!”, Hugh ordered.

The medication took a few seconds, but then Paul weakly opened his eyes.

“Thank god!”, the doctor sighed.

“What happened?”, he murmured.

“We don’t know. Are you okay? Any pain?”

“I feel…” He swallowed knitting his eyebrows in confusion and a bit of fear.

“You’re shaking. Are you cold?”

“I’m freezing.”

“I’m gonna get a blanket.”, the nurse said quickly.

“Are you okay?”, Hugh asked cupping Paul’s cheek.

He shook his head, keeping his eyes closed in confusion. “Something’s wrong. But I can’t explain I… I’m scared and… and empty.” His voice was shaking and tears filled his eyes.

“Sh, Paul.”, the doctor said softly, running his thumb over his hairline. “You’re gonna be okay. Any physical symptoms you can tell me about?”

“I feel dizzy. And weak, and tired.”

Hugh took the blanket from the nurse and carefully wrapped Paul in it. “It’s gonna be okay. You can sleep, okay?”

He nodded. “Thanks.”

“We’re gonna fix you.”, he promised.

Paul woke up again from the sound and feeling of people. He sat up and saw the whole team of doctors and scientists, whose laboratory rat he had been for over a month. They had kept a decent distance but were looking at him which was uncomfortable. Luckily Hugh immediately rushed to his side.

“Are you okay?”, he asked concerned.

“Yes, just drowsy.”, he replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What’s going on?”

Hugh looked at the team and then back to his partner.

“Hugh. What is going on?”, he repeated more instantly. Something was terribly wrong. There was guilt in the doctor's strong eyes. “Hugh!”

He again turned to the team. “If you don’t have the guts, leave at least.”, he said sternly and all of them left.

“The guts to do what?”, Paul asked in fear. “Hugh, what…”

“Calm down.”, he said gently, intertwining their fingers. Paul stared down at them. “Are you calm?”

“As calm as I can be considering I’m not being told anything.“, he snapped.

“They want to put you in quarantine.”, Hugh suddenly said.

“What? Why?”, he asked quietly, knitting his brows and raising them at the same time.

“Paul, you…” The doctor sighed.

“What happened?”, he repeated, squeezing his hands gently..

“When we tried to take the samples… all of the lights just...burst and the nurse was thrown across the room.”

“Was that me?”, Paul asked in fear.

“Yeah.”, Hugh whispered. “It’s gotta be something in you… something you can’t control. Which makes you…” He swallowed.”They think you’re a danger.”

“Am I?”

“No. But they won’t listen to me.”

“Hey, hey, Hugh.”, he quickly said, cupping his cheek. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not okay. And being locked up in a room alone won’t make it any better.”, the doctor replied, his voice heavy with guilt.

“It’s gonna help you find out what’s going on with me. It’s fine, Hugh. I just need you to do one thing for me before I’m gonna be locked up.”

“Don’t call it that.”, he said hurt.

“That’s what it is. It’s scary but it’s the least scary thing to do right now. I don’t wanna hurt you, or anyone else.”

Hugh sighed.

“I need you to hug me before I go.”, he said with a weak smile.

They wrapped their arms around each other. Paul held him tightly, after all he didn’t know when he’d get to do that again. He buried his face in Hugh’s shoulder and just enjoyed the feeling of safety his touch gave him.

They finally separated and Hugh opened his communicator.

“I’m putting Lieutenant Stamets in quarantine now.”, he said.

“Need any help?”

“No, we’re good.”

Paul stood up but his legs were too weak to support the weight  and gave way. Hugh just barely caught him.

“I’m lucky you’re so strong.”, he smiled. “Looks like my muscles aren’t really up for working today.”

He was indeed lucky Hugh was so strong cause he basically carried him to observation room. Paul’s feet just lightly dragged over the floor barely imitating a walking motion.

“Why am I that weak?”, Paul asked. He just really wanted to sleep again.

“I’m gonna find out, I promise.”, the doctor said. They entered the observation room. Half of it was filmed with medical equipment and the other half was a room with a bed, desk and chair, separated by a wall of glass.

“Comfy.”, he said ironically. “At least it’s not all white.” It was mostly dark gray and black. “Now I don’t feel like a laboratory rat anymore. More like a dangerous lunatic.” He pulled up the corners of his mouth into something that was definitely not a smile.

Hugh looked so guilty, Paul would have regretted the comment if he wasn’t that scared. He had always been scared of being insane. He was just so strange, something told him he was too weird to be sane.

“You’re not insane.”, Hugh said firmly, tightening his grip around him. “And you’re not going insane. You’re gonna be just fine, okay?”

Paul just nodded.

Hugh pulled him into a kiss. “You’re gonna be fine.”, he repeated.

Paul weakly smiled up at him. “Yes, my dear doctor.”

He gripped onto the doorframe and slowly entered the room where he sat down on the bed. As soon as Hugh let go of him he felt so lonely he just wanted to cry. And the door closing between them didn’t really make it better.

The only thing that was keeping him up for the next week was his partner on the other side of the glass. Hugh spent every free minute with him.

Paul himself stayed just as weak as when he had entered the observation room even though he ate more than usual. But the team couldn’t figure out what exactly was wrong with him.

“How are you?”, Hugh asked concerned.

“I’m fine.”, Paul just said. He sat on the floor, leaning his back against the wall ,and his shoulder and head against the glass.

“You just talked to your therapist for three hours.”

“You know I’m depressed. I’m locked up in here and just want to get out. Why do I constantly have to repeat that I’m depressed?”

“Science.”, he said, trying to restore their usual joking fights. He failed terribly. “Hey I had an idea yesterday. I brought spores.”, he said holding up a container.

“Why?”, Paul asked knitting his brows.

“Just a feeling. Maybe your mushrooms can cheer you up a bit.”

The scientist didn’t correct him, that the spores were not the exact same thing as mushrooms, but instead just took the container out of the transfer drawer right next to him.

“And what’s the actual reason?”

“Maybe they can go into connection with your DNA, cause it’s partially tardigrade.”, Hugh explained.

“Got your tricorder ready? I’m gonna open it.”, Paul said, screwing off the top.

The cranky look on his face dropped when the spores left the container. They hovered around his hands and face, moving with his breath. Fascinated he slowly moved his hands, watching the tiny sparkles sinking into his skin. Without consciously thinking about it he took a deep breath, inhaling the spores.

“What does it feel like?”, Hugh asked.

“I feel good.”, Paul smiled calmly. “Warm and safe. I think… Maybe it sounds weird but… Maybe I need them to function. Like food or oxygen. Like tardigrades live off them.”

“I gotta call a scientist to look at that.”, Hugh said taking out his communicator.

“Really?”, he sighed. “Can’t we just spend some time together? Alone?”, he whined.

“The more we find out about your DNA, the sooner we can get you out of there.”, the doctor just said.

Paul rolled his eyes in annoyance.

The communicator was ripped out Hugh’s hand and thrown across the room.

The scientist jumped up. “Oh my…! Hugh, I’m so sorry! I-I didn’t mean to do that! How did that even happen?”

“Paul. It’s fine. Calm down.”

“It’s like… they want to protect me, based on my emotions! It’s impulsive! I can’t control it!” He was panicking.

“It’s fine.”, Hugh said as calmly as he could. The glass was suddenly cracking around Paul’s hands. If it’d burst the scientist could get seriously hurt. “Paul, look at me.”, he gently said putting his hands against Paul’s.

“No! Get away!”, he screamed tearing away his hands so violently he tumbling back. “I’m gonna hurt you! Get back!” He sunk down the wall curling up on the floor. When he wrapped his arms around his head, all of the furniture moved a foot closer to him.

Hugh’s heart broke. Paul had been just like this in the first few years of their relationship, when he was still having big struggles with his mental health. Not loud and physically like now, but very deep down mentally. He was scared of himself, of making connections, he pushed people away and had a somewhat self-injuring behaviour.

Hugh hadn’t been able to just watch back then and he wasn’t now. Quickly he opened the door and pulled Paul close. He weakly resisted but nothing else happened. Everything went quiet.

“I know you won’t hurt me.”, Hugh whispered. “Cause you’re not dangerous. I know you. I love you

“I-I can’t control it.”, Paul croaked. 

“You’ll learn to.”, his partner promised, hugging him even tighter. “Everything’s gonna go back to normal, okay? I promise. We’ve been through hard times, we made it till now, and we’ll make ourselves a good future. I’m gonna stay with you, whatever happens.”


	6. Part Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapters:  
> /what Mudd left behind. - Angst after episode 7  
> /shameless - The last party was ruined, this one is much better

 

**PAST**

 

**USS Discovery**

 

/ what Mudd left behind. 

“Are you okay?”, Hugh asked concerned.

“Yeah, I just need to sleep really badly, okay?”, Paul muttered grumpily. He crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around the doctor tightly, burying his face in his chest.

“I don’t think we’ve talked enough about what happened.”

“I’ve just had the longest day of my life. I’ve been awake for ages. I just wanna sleep.”

Hugh sighed helplessly. “Fine. Will you talk to me tomorrow?”

“I’ll try.”

“Or maybe you wanna talk to your therapist first?”

“I don’t know. Can I please just sleep?” He said angrily but his voice was shaking.

“I just don’t want…”

“Can you please stop!”, he begged loudly, gripping him tighter.

“Stop doctoring?”

“Stop fucking caring.”

“Please don’t ever say that again.”, he said sorely.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Hugh. I’m tired, I’m... let’s just sleep. Please.”

“Okay.”, the doctor said worriedly, cause there was nothing he could do. He placed a gentle kiss in Paul’s hair. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”, he muttered, making sure it was audible and snuggled as close as he possibly could.

Hugh was so worried he couldn’t fall asleep. They were at war. Paul was a soldier. He wasn’t a scientist anymore. As much as he wanted to stay the mushroom researcher, he was now the most important part of a singular drive on the Federation’s most important fighting ship. He was in danger every single day. And Hugh couldn’t do anything about it. He wanted to blame the captain so badly; Lorca, who was pushing Paul around, manipulating him into doing all of those dangerous things, but deep down he knew, the scientist would risk a lot for his work and not all of this was the captain’s fault. He hated himself for even thinking that. He had known from the beginning what he was getting himself into and he loved Paul manly for and sometimes despite his oddities and obsessions.

At some point he must have fallen asleep cause he woke up in the middle of the night from the feeling of something being terribly wrong. It took him a moment to become aware of his surroundings. Paul was crying into his chest, jerking with sobs.

“Paul!”, he said shocked, pulling away to see his face and turning up the lights a bit too.

“Dammit, why aren’t you asleep?”, he sobbed into his hands.

“Cause you’re crying your eyes out! Paul, please talk to me!” he begged sitting up.

“It’s not that easy.”, he murmured, sitting up too.

“I know, but… I can’t watch you fall apart right in front of me! You’re scaring me.”, his own voice started shaking too. “Please, Paul. Let me help you. Tell me how. Tell me something. Anything. Please”, he said carefully. He reached out to cup his cheek but the scientist grabbed his hand.

“What do you want to hear?”, he asked loudly. “What could I possibly say? You died, Hugh! Over 50 times! I watched you die! I let you die!”

He stared at him sympathetically but shocked.

Paul jumped up to restlessly run around the room, wildly gesturing. “I asked Burnham for help but when we couldn’t do anything, I told you about it. You wouldn’t believe me until I was so frustrated I dragged you there to show you Mudd killing the captain. Oh god, how could I have been so stupid! So dumb! Cause of course you wanted to stop him, you tried to talk to him and he… he just shot you! I spent hours holding your dead body cause every time I took you with me, you did what you always do, you were a doctor! You would never believe me it was pointless to try to stop him cause you are a doctor and-and he shot you! You were dead! I cried over your corpse!

I stayed with you in the sick bay a few times. Every repetition could have been the last one and I just wanted to be with you! I didn’t tell you about it because I wanted to keep you safe but it didn’t work! Over and over the ship blew up and you died!”

With a shaking hand he pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to hide his face.

Paul looked terrible and terrified. His eyes were red and swollen, tears streaming down his face and he was trembling all over.

And Hugh just stood there helplessly. He was close to crying himself, cause he just couldn’t see his partner like that. It was so incredibly painful.

“Paul…”, he sighed, having no clue what to do. He carefully put his hands on Paul’s shoulders, to figure out if he was okay with being touched. The scientist didn’t flinch away, he actually didn’t react at all, which was pretty scary. Hugh softly wrapped his arms around him, running his fingers up and down his spine. Paul just sobbed into his shoulder.

“I’m just so scared.”, was all he could get out.

“I’m here.”, the doctor soothed him. “I’m here and I’m not gonna leave. It’s over. Mudd’s gone. Everyone’s alive. We’re alive, okay? It’s over. It’s all over.”

“No.”, Paul croaked. “It has only just started.”

 

/ shameless. 

“The party’s great.”, Hugh grinned loudly over the music, when Tilly sat down next to him.

“Thanks. Since the last party didn’t end that well, I figured we’d need another one.”, she smiled. “Where’s Lieutenant Stamets? Don’t tell me he’s still working”, she asked.

“Good question.”, he said taking out his communicator. “Paul, where are you? People are asking already:”

“What’s the time?”

“A few minutes after midnight.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, Hugh. Let me just write this down and I’ll come over, okay?”

“Okay, see you.”, he smiled.

“You know, I’ve never heard anyone call Lieutenant Stamets Paul.”, she grinned. “I-I-I mean of course you call him Paul, he’s your partner, I…”

“Yeah, we’re trying to stay professional at work. I mean who would like to see the scientist and the doctor make out.”

“I would!”, Tilly said. She immediately turned fire red. “Holy shit, I must be more drunk than expected. I… oh god!”

“It’s fine, Tilly.”, Hugh laughed.

“Please don’t tell Lieutenant Stamets! He’ll murder me!”

“Don’t worry.”, he chuckled.

She still fled into the crowd of dancing people.

About 15 minutes later Paul finally joined. He was still wearing his uniform but had unzipped the jacket.

“Sorry.”, he smiled sitting down next to Hugh.

“It’s fine.”, he smiled.

“I have to admit, that I am a little bit anxious about this party. I mean… this is how everything started.”

“It’s not gonna happen again, don’t worry.”, he said softly. “That’s over. Today we’re just gonna have fun. Let me get you a drink.”, Hugh added grinning. He got up and squeezed Paul’s shoulder before heading towards the replicators.

The scientist watched the people dancing. Especially Burnham and Tyler. They were a cute couple. It seemed like Burnham was finally in love, for the first time in her life and it was adorable to watch. She was good at keeping her feelings hidden, but ever since the first jump Paul had become more empathic and could read her better.

Hugh returned, putting down a glass off neon blue liquid and a beer down in front of them.

“What is that?”, he asked smelling the blue drink.

“I don’t know.”; the doctor chuckled. “But it’s sparkly and colourful, just as you like drinks.”

“Thank you.”, he grinned, taking a sip. “Oh, it’s great!”

Tilly sat down across them.

“Hi.”, she grinned. “You’re here.”

“Yes, I am here, Cadet.”, he replied with a careful smile.

“It’s a party, please don't call me cadet. Call me Sylvia. O-or Tilly!”

“We’ll stick with Tilly.”, Hugh smiled before his partner could say something cranky.

“So you planned this party?”, Paul just asked.

“Yes.”, she said expecting criticism.

“It’s nice.”, he smiled.

“Really? Thank you!”, she shrieked blushing in excitement.

“I like it.”, he repeated, surprising also Hugh by taking his hand.

“You guys have something very special.” Tilly smiled happily at them both. “You should join us dancing. Michael and Ash are about to kick you off the first place as the cutest couple of Discovery.”

“There’s a ranking?”, Hugh asked raising his eyebrows.

She turned red.

“Hey, we’re in first place!”, Paul just laughed, squeezing his hand. “How did that even happen? I mean we’re trying to keep things more private.”

“The way you guys look at each other…”, she didn’t need to finish the sentence.

“Oh.”, Paul just said giving his surprised partner a smirk.

“That’s exactly what I meant!”, she squeaked and even Hugh had to laugh.

Again Tilly obviously had the feeling of having talked too much and fled.

They sat there in comfortable silence. Hugh was caressing the back of Paul’s hand with his thumb when the scientist suddenly said: “Let’s dance.”

“Everything you’ve said since you arrived here is catching me off guard.”, the doctor just said.

“I know it’s not what we usually do and that respect is something hard to earn but technically this isn’t work and lot’s of things happened and…”

“Okay.”, Hugh interrupted him with a soft smile. “Let’s dance.”

The choice of music had turned into songs suited for slow dancing and they joined the other couples. Paul hadn’t let go of Hugh’s hand so now he was the one leading.

“So your control obsession stayed.”, Hugh smiled quietly.

He raised his brows.

“Anything else would have worried me.”, he chuckled.

Paul just smiled and enjoyed their moment. He had totally forgotten that all the people around them only knew him as the cranky scientist and had never seen the loving partner. He felt Hugh’s hand on his back, their fingers intertwined, chests touching.

“This is the most romantic thing we’ve done in quite a while.”, Hugh smiled happily.

“It is.”, Paul replied softly. “And I’m really glad we’re doing it. I would have regretted missing that chance. There are a lot of opportunities we chose not to take.”

Hugh listened.

“Maybe we shouldn’t care that much about other people.”, the scientist continued. “Earning respect has awfully little to do with being in love with someone, don’t you think? We got our respect here. The ship is small and we’re stuck here until the war ends. It’s terrible times, but I’d like to make the best of them. With you.”

“You’re being weird.”, Hugh said. “And incredibly romantic.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that we’re already dancing in front of half the crew. What more could there be?”

Paul smirked and leaned in so close their noses almost touched. He was very proud of the single inch that made him taller than Hugh. It gave him a certain kind of power, his partner didn’t have. Of course the point of a relationship was not actually to use any kind of power towards each other, except for in arguments and during sex maybe, but of course the contribution of certain powers was visible. Paul was smarter, Hugh was kinder, he had nicer muscles but the less interesting hair. And he was just an inch smaller than his partner.

He lifted his heels just this tiny bit of the ground, which was his very own way of making fun of Paul and softly kissed him. Actually he had intended a single small his but his partner shamelessly sneaked a second one.

They smiled at each other lovingly before Paul chuckled:”Tilly is staring, isn’t she?”

“She is.”, Hugh had to grin, looking at her over his partner’s shoulder.

“Isn’t she adorable? Can we please turn, I wanna see her face.”, he laughed.

“Don’t be mean. If she knows you know she stared, she’ll never be able to look at you again.”

“Then she shouldn’t be staring.”

“You were staring at happy, grounded couples too.”, Hugh chuckled softly. “She’s looking for love, Paul.”

“She reminds you of me. Me too.”

“Well, she’s certainly a lot kinder than you were. And are.”, he grinned. “She’s gonna find someone like me.”

“A hot doctor?”, he asked jokingly. “She has a thing for musicians.”

“A partner. Who loves her more than anything.”, Hugh replied.

“And again you’ve proven you’re way more romantic than me.”, Paul smiled shaking his head.

“I always have been.”

“You have.”, he smiled and leaned in for another kiss. “And I’ve always been more shameless.”


	7. Part Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapters:  
> /the jump went terribly wrong - pure angst.  
> /the jump just didn't work - Stamets confronts Lorca  
> /the jump didn't go well - Hugh's skills as a doctor can't help Paul, he just has to sit it out

 

**FUTURE**

 

**USS Discovery**

 

/ the jump went terribly wrong. 

Hugh stared at the universe. He sat on the cold floor of the shuttlebay at the exact spot Paul usually stood at.

“Doctor Culber.”, the captain said surprisingly gently and sat down next to him.

“Leave me alone.”, Hugh just said and it sounded as if his soul had broken.

“I understand your reluctance,...”

“‘Reluctance’?”, he repeated. “If I could only… I want to take everything from you. Like you took everything from me.”

“You should go to bed.”, the captain just said.

“How could I possibly sleep? How could I possibly enter our apartment again?”, he asked angrily. “How could I possibly expect you to understand?”, he then added more quietly.

“I don’t…”

“You constantly sacrifice the lives of people! Do they mean nothing to you?”

“They do. But there is time for fight and time to grief and...”

“Paul hated Kasseelean opera.”, Hugh interrupted him calmly, staring at the stars. “Earth opera: yeah, he could handle that, even enjoy it, but Kasseelean… no, he’d throw pens at me when I put it on in our apartment. He was a great dancer. In the beginning he was clumsy, he’s always clumsy, but I led and he could follow and got really good. He used to be easily scared of things, people mostly, because he was sure, that sooner or later he’d do something wrong. And all it needed was someone to show him that that simply wasn’t true. He really loved his mushrooms. He loves small fluffy animals, kittens and that stuff. He always wanted to get a cat, surprisingly one of the things he’s never been allergic to. One day Straal got a tribble and it dropped a bunch of babies and Paul wanted to get one. He said, if I saw them I couldn’t say no. So we looked at them and suddenly they weren’t the most adorable thing in the room anymore, cause Paul was. He sat in a pile of them and couldn’t stop grinning. There are a bunch of pictures of that, I even put one up in our apartment. The one where he was holding a baby tribble with white-redish fluff and we joked about it looking just like him. He’d always complained about his brilliant hair, how it couldn’t decide which colour it was and made him look weird. But after a while he stopped that. He always told me there would be nothing more horrible than being like all the other people. He really prided himself with being different and he truly was someone special. But sometimes he was really scared of himself and just desperately wanted to fit in. It’s what happened when he became depressed. It made him blind to the wonders of the universe and his place among them. Sometimes he needed a little help to see that. And then he’d be fine and proud again, meanwhile he’d pretend to. Eventually he got rid of all that, the depression and the panic and anxiety. He fixed himself. He never stopped complaining about my hair too though. He loved how it looked and felt but he’d always whine about how unfair it was that I got to grab his hair but mine was too short to do that. Concerning our relationship he was shameless. If we hadn’t had the same work place he’d have only walked around holding my hand and kissing me for every goodbye as if it was the last. At least I let him this time.” Tears filled his eyes. “He just walked towards me with that happy smile and pulled me into a kiss as if nothing mattered. Cause it didn’t. He didn’t care if people were watching, he didn’t… It was as if he had known this was gonna be the last time. He cupped my face and stroked my cheeks and invited me to go see a Kasseelean opera with him. It was as if he had known and didn’t want me to be sad.”

For the first time he turned back to the the captain. “You don’t deserve to know all this. But you have to. Cause one day you’ll realize that it was a person who died. Paul Stamets. A brilliant mind and a brilliant heart. One of the Federation’s brightest brains, the inventor of a new technology, a friend to many and my partner, you took from me.” He swallowed heavily. “This knowledge will make you realize what you did someday. That’s all the revenge I’ll take and all I’ll get.”

The captain’s face was empty.

More than Hugh had expected as an answer, so he stood up and left. He didn’t know where to go, so he went to the only place Paul still felt alive somehow: the engineering.

Tilly was there too standing behind her console, staring at the space Paul had died half a day ago. He sat down leaning back against the glass of the spore container and she silently joined him.

“I can’t imagine what you must feel like.”, she said after what felt like hours. Even though tears were streaming down her face, she seemed calm in a way no one would ever be able to describe. “He loved you more than anything. More than mushrooms or science. Even though he didn’t talk about you a lot everyone could tell…”

Hugh stayed silent. He was incredibly thankful for her words.

“I think… no, nevermind.”, she quickly interrupted herself.

“Go on.” He wanted to listen.

“No, it’s probably stupid and…”

“Please.”

“Okay, uhm… I just thought… They phrased it as if the spores had eaten him, but that’s just not true at all. He… became the spores. That’s physio-chemically correct. Once when he was excited after navigating he tried to describe the feeling of connecting with the spores. I can’t repeat it right now… I-I can write it down for you if you want, b-but he said he felt connected to the people he loved. As if their souls had joined with his. He said he could see all the beauty of the universe and that he had never felt so alive and perfectly fitting into his place. He didn’t only see the universe, he was the universe. That moment… was the most peaceful for him. He has his peace of mind. Cause I… I don’t want to interfere with your beliefs but… I think he,  his soul is still in those spores and somehow… lives on.”

Hugh weakly smiled. “Could you… Could you hold a speech at the funeral ceremony?”

“I-I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to try to describe…”

“If there are any appropriate words to describe Paul, you’re the one to find them.”, he said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“If you want me to do that, I’ll do it.”, she sniffed.

“Thank you.”

“You look tired.”

“I am.”

“You should go to bed.”, she said, getting up. “Come on.”

He silently got up and she wrapped an arm around him to gently shove him through the corridors back to his apartment.

Tilly walked with him and was unsure whether to stay with Hugh to talk or let him sleep. He looked so helpless sitting there on the edge of the bed not knowing what to do with himself.

“Don’t sit there!”, he said quickly, when she wanted to sit down next to him.

“Oh! Sorry! I didn’t…”

“No, I am sorry. I’m so sorry.”, he sighed shaking his head at himself. “I’m being terrible. I’m just gonna go to bed.”

“Okay. If you need anything… If I can help you, just tell me.”

“Thank you.”, he said trying to smile.

She left and the sudden silence was freaking Hugh out. Maybe Kasseelean opera would help.

 

/ the jump just didn’t work. 

“Come in, Lieutenant.”

Paul entered, stopping just a few feet into the room. With small eyes and knitted brows he asked the only question he could comprehend right now.

“Why?”

“Why what?”, the captain asked innocently.

“You know damn well what.”, he replied calmly.

“I don’t, Lieutenant. Elaborate.”, he gestured to the chair across his table.

Paul made his way there, but instead of sitting down, he stood next to it.

“Why did you manipulate the drive?”

Lorca looked at him for a second, probably considering lying but then just said: “I had to.”

“Why?”, he repeated shaking his head.

“Cause my head scientist with four doctorates is apparently too dumb to see, that people will die if he doesn’t listen to me!”

“Insulting me won’t save them either.”, he replied calmly, sitting down. He had just realized Lorca was desperate. He was threatening him, because actually Paul was a threat to him.

“Look, I don’t get it.”, he started. “You’ve been bullying me since the war started. I’m not stupid, I understand that our priorities changed but… the shifts you made me work… I was going insane for you, okay? You made me. And I somehow get that… oddly. You’re thinking teleologically, obviously. That’s fine, nobody knows the right and wrong of that, but… if I  believe in that, is my choice. You can’t just take that away from me.”, he glared at him with knitted brows. “You’re my captain. I’m paying you a lot of respect and a lot of trust. And you neither trust me nor…”

“I trusted you to make the drive work and we didn’t end up where we were supposed to!”, Lorca interrupted him angrily.

“You forced me to make the drive work in an extremely short amount of time! And the result of it was that I almost died! “, Paul replied matching his captain’s tone.

“Because you are incompetent of…”

“I am incompetent?” He paused to strain himself. This argument had been getting really heated. “With all due… no, I’m a bad liar I don’t have a lot of respect for you left.”, he said calmly. “This is not about you, captain. This is about me, about my life. And about my science. You were right: Discovery is property of Starfleet and not mine, but the science belongs to me, cause it’s my work, besides noone but me is able to continue it. I can do with it pretty much whatever I want. I am leaving. And I am taking everything with me.”

 

/ the jump didn’t go well. 

“How is he?”, Michael asked.

“Finally someone who asks the right question.”, Hugh sighed. “I hope he doesn’t feel as terrible as he looks.”

Paul did look terrible. Tubes were stuck into his nose to make sure he’d stay alive, he was sweating through his shirt and shaking. His eyes were wide open, white, but looking around. At least he wasn’t jerking his head anymore.

“He looks calmer.”, she said, coming closer.

“Yes, it worries me.”, Hugh replied. “He look lifeless.”, he swallowed. The doctor was probably the calmest person on the whole ship, or at least he had been. Now he looked close to freaking out, sitting there clinging onto his partners hand.

Michael softly put a hand on his shoulder.

“We can’t know.”

“The last thing I need now is your vulcan philosophy. Don’t you dare start telling me he’s gone.”, he slowly said trying to control his emotions, his voice shaking.

“Maybe he’s coming back.”, she replied. “But maybe he has gone.”

“What are you even doing here?”, he said toneless.

“Asking you to have lunch with me. Looking after you.”

“Thank you. But I have to be here if.. when he wakes up.”

She sighed. “Lieutenant Stamets, wouldn’t want you to…”

“Don’t tell what my partner wants for me.”, he interrupted her.

“I’m sorry. That was inappropriate.”

“Can you just leave?”, he begged.

“I am sorry, Doctor Culber.”, she said sincerely before walking away.

Silence returned. Except it wasn’t completely silent. There was a soft noise. A quiet little vibration that…

“Burnham!”, he shouted.

She came running back. “What…?”

“Listen!”, he smiled hopefully.

She listened and her serious face dropped with her jar.

“That… that’s your opera.”

“He’s humming! He’s humming Kasseelean opera!”, Hugh laughed relieved. “He isn’t gone! He’s still there, and he’s coming back!”


	8. Part Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapters:  
> /your fault. - pure angst  
> /your fault. alternative. - a different ending so we can all be okay again

 

**FUTURE**

 

 

**USS Discovery**

 

/ your fault.

Paul groaned. Jumping had never been painful before. He got up, gripping the door frame with one and his head with the other hand.

Tilly rushed to his side. “Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding.”

He tried to wipe away the blood with the back of his hand. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I don’t know, there… something was wrong.”

“Something  _ is _ wrong. Get back to your station and tell me what!”, he snapped. He instinctively sniffed back the blood and immediately regretted it, cause the sharp taste of blood made everything feel even more out of place.

“Someone overrode our program and… o-oh my god! A relay blew up!”, she stuttered.

“Which one?”, Paul asked concerned, looking over her shoulder.

“Relay 7.”

“What? No...”, Paul whispered freezing.

It took Tilly a moment to remember what the Lieutenant who had designed the ship instantly knew. “Oh my god! That’s right under sickbay!”, she realized.

It’s what Paul got out of his frozen state. He turned and just started running. All the way he couldn’t catch a single clear thought. He felt his feet flying over the floor, his lungs starting to burn and all he could think was “Hugh.” and “No. Please, _ please, no _ .”

The smell of fire mixed with the taste of blood and he slowed his pace, cause the smoke started to thicken.

“Hugh!”, she shouted. “Hugh!” He buried mouth and nose in his elbow in an attempt to be able to breath better. He stumbled through the smoke, red lights lightning and alarms beeping around him. “Hugh! Damit, Hugh! Answer!”, he screamed as loud as he could, despairing.

But then he finally found him.

So. Much. Blood.

He kneeled next to him, touching his side and neck.

“Emergency transport to sick bay two!” Nothing happened. “Computer, emergency transport!” Nothing.

“Hugh!”, his voice broke, even though he wasn’t shouting anymore. “Hugh, wake up!” He carefully shook him. “Hugh, wake up! Look at me, goddammit!”

He shook him more violently but the doctor didn’t move, his limbs hanging slack from his lifeless body in Paul’s arms.

“Wake up! For fuck sake, Hugh! Please!”

He felt his soul shatter. This couldn’t be happening. Hugh had to wake up again. He would wake up again. Anything else was just not acceptable.

“No. No!”, he whispered, tears streaming out of his eyes.

“Stamets?”, he heard Tyler shouting.

“Here! Help me! Help me, please!”, he screamed.

Just a few seconds later the security chief appeared out of the smoke behind him.

“Shit!” With loud curses he pushed Paul away to have a look at the doctor. Paul happily let him. This wasn’t happening. Hugh was gonna be fine. The adrenaline had just dulled Paul’s senses and Hugh was still breathing, even moving and he couldn’t see it through the tears. That’s what Tyler would tell him.

But when the Lieutenant turned around, his face was moved with sympathy and sadness.

“I’m sorry, Stamets.”, he said quietly.

“What? No! That’s not… no!” He grabbed Hugh.

“We have to leave. You’re gonna get smoke poisoning if you stay here any longer.”, Tyler ordered.

“No, I can’t just leave, I can’t…! No!”

Tyler wrapped an arm around his chest and pulled him away. Paul tried to resist, crying and shouting, but the security chief was much stronger and just dragged him along.

By the time they had left the smoke Paul was unable to function. He jerked with sobs and his legs were so weak he could barely stand.

Tyler pushed him against a wall, keeping a hand firmly on his shoulder to support his weight.

“Paul. Paul, look at me, please.”

Paul looked up in tears.

“I’m sorry.”, Tyler said sincerely. “But there’s nothing we can do now.”

“Don’t call me Paul!”, he cried bashing his hand away. His knees gave space and he sank down, curling up against the wall sobbing.

He would be alone in their apartment. He would be alone in their bed. He would be alone sitting on the couch and working. He would be alone on the Discovery. The whole universe was just empty space. Hugh was gone.

 

/ your fault. alternative.

“Hugh!”, his voice broke, even though he wasn’t shouting anymore. “Hugh, wake up!” He carefully shook him. “Hugh, wake up! Look at me, goddammit!”

He shook him more violently and the doctor weakly opened his eyes.

“Thank god!”, Paul sighed, his eyes watering. “Hugh, look at me.”

“Paul...”, he groaned in pain.

“You’re gonna be okay.”, he promised.

“What happened to me? Am I bleeding?”

“Just…I… Oh god that’s all my fault!”

“For fucksake, Paul! Tell me how I’m injured! I can’t feel it and I really don’t wanna look at it.” Hugh made him focus.

“You got pieces of metal in our stomach and leg.”, the scientist croaked.

“Press down on the wound on the stomach, but don’t move the metal.“, Hugh ordered.

Paul automatically took off his jacket and did as told.

The doctor groaned in pain.

“You’re gonna be fine. I promise.”, the scientist whispered.

Tears of fear and pain poured out of the doctor’s eyes.

“Hugh, look at me.”, he said as gentle and calm as he could. “It’s gonna be okay. I won’t let you die. You won’t die, okay? You’re gonna be fine.”

“Stamets?”, he heard Tyler shouting.

“Here!”, he screamed. “Help, please! Hurry!”

Just a few seconds later the security chief appeared out of the smoke behind him.

“Shit!” With loud curses he pushed Paul away to have a look at the doctor. Paul happily let him. Tyler would know what to do, he was more experience in those kind of things.

“We gotta get outta here, or we’re all gonna die of smoke poisoning.”, Tyler ordered. “Come on, help me!”

They got Hugh to safety, but in the well-lighted corridors the doctor looked even more terrible.

The blood slowly formed a puddle around him making a terrifyingly harsh contrast to the white floor.

“Hurry up!”, Tyler shouted into his communicator before dropping it next to them.”They’re gonna be here soon, just stay here. I’m getting back in there.” He took off his jacket, held it over mouth and nose and ran off into the smoke.

“Hugh.”, Paul said scared. “Please look at me!”

“Don’t worry, I’m awake.”, the doctor whispered. “Are you still pressing down on the wound?”

“Yes.”

“Thank god we have adrenaline, cause it is really painful already.”, he sighed.

“You’re gonna be fine, Hugh, okay?”, he sputtered, tears squeezing out of his eyes. “You’re gonna be fine, I...”

“Okay.”, he whispered. “Just stay calm, Paul. We’re gonna be okay.”

“This is all my fault.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s not.”

“You don’t know a lot about technology.”

“You say things are your fault when there was nothing you could do, and deny it when it was definitely your fault.”, Hugh weakly smiled.


	9. Part Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapters:  
> / endings? - they finally get their opera date

**FUTURE**

 

 

**Starbase 46**

 

/ endings?

“Are you done?”, Hugh asked from the bedroom.

Paul made a vague noise. His partner joined him in the bathroom and broke out in laughter.

“Four doctorates, an inventor, practically the smartest man in the universe. And you still can’t tie a bow-tie.”, he chuckled.

Paul smiled in defeat. “Please.”

With a happy grin Hugh opened the mess of a bow-tie and started to tie it again.

“You look great.”, the scientist said. He felt his fingers brushing against his jaw and it made him extremely happy. 

“Thanks.”, his partner smiled. He was wearing a traditional black three piece suit and ‘great’ was the understatement of the century. “You look stunning, even more than usual.”, he replied.

Paul chuckled.

“I love this suit. It brings out your eyes.”, Hugh continued, straightening the bow tie.

It did indeed. The blue tuxedo, made from a kind of shimmering fabric, made the blue of Paul’s eyes glow so bright, it almost looked unnatural. It also made a great contrast to his hair and lashes, making them look as white as snow.

“I’m really… thankful for having all this.”, Paul said softly, trying to verbalize his happiness.

“It was about time, you keep your promise.”, Hugh chuckled.

“It really was. Sorry it took so long. Are you excited?”

“I am.”, he grinned. “Although I think you you are even more excited. Where does the sudden love for Kasselian opera come from?”

“It’s not about the opera.”, he simply said.

The doctor smiled brightly and cupped his partner's cheek. “Thank you. For all of this.”

“You’re welcome.”

They left their room. For the first time in quite a while, Paul felt butterflies in his stomach. He had loved Hugh since they had met, inevitably and unconditionally, but how it happened with every couple the thrill of first love eventually left, to only return on special occasions. This was a very special occasion.

Paul knew that Hugh felt exactly the same and when they entered the opera house the doctor took his hand and let him lead.

“Where are our seats?”

Paul just grinned leading him there.

“Front row?”, Hugh laughed. “You are amazing.” He pecked his cheek, before sitting and pulling his stupidly in love partner down next to him.

They sat there holding hands while the room filled with people.

“Is this… This feels like a happy ending to a long journey.”, Hugh smiled.

“Maybe… maybe it is the ending of a chapter.”, Paul smiled. “But more importantly: it’s the beginning of a new one.”


End file.
